Desire VS Obligation

On most days, are you doing what you want to do, or what you have to do? There’s a big difference.

It’s similar to acting from love VS fear. When I ask if you’re acting out of fear, how this shows up is through a fear of rejection, fear of abandonment… Acting from this place of fear means you’re dimming your shine because you’re low-key worried people might leave you if you unleash your full measure of awesomeness.

Acting from desire is acting from love. When you genuinely want to do something, you’re present, you’re giving it your all, you’re putting out your best work. You’re channelling your best self into whatever you’re doing - creating something, helping with something, even just speaking with someone.

Acting from obligation stems from having weak boundaries, and not only is it motivated by fear, but it brews up strong feelings of resentment. You start to hate that person or that situation for “making” you do something. You have the impression that your choice was taken away from you.

“I have to do this!” you say.

I say, “Why? What will happen if you don’t?”

“Karen* will be sooo mad at me if I don’t do this,” you say.

“OK, so what if she is? What can she do to you?”

*”Karen” is our loving pet-name for the Ego who wants to hold us back from doing things which may be unfamiliar but are also awesome.

Think about that - what can someone REALLY do to you? Would they exact revenge on you somehow? Would they leave your life and abandon you, as I said above?

Now let’s take this as step further. If someone is going to take revenge on your or abandon you for saying “no” to them, are they really worth missing?? NO.

OK that was a bit of a tangent, but you know how I feel about boundaries. I can’t resist getting on my soapbox for an impromptu boundaries lesson.

Anyways, let’s reframe this. The following will be your test, helping to tune you into your intuition to know if you’re doing something from desire or obligation, from fear or from love.

Think about it this way: swap I “have” to, for I “get” to.

Roll that around in your mouth. How does that feel? If it feels good - then good.

Like, I don’t HAVE to go to the store and get a present for one of my friend, being stuck in traffic, fighting for parking, spending my afternoon navigating a mall with my 5 year old, I GET TO. Because that means I HAVE A FRIEND who means so much to me that I GET TO buy her a present for her birthday and aren’t I sure fucking grateful that I have an amazing friend like her? YES, I SURE AM.

And I don’t HAVE to fill up the car with gas, because LUCKY ME, I HAVE A CAR, and I HAVE SOME PLACE TO GO!

It’s all about perspective.

But if it’s like I HAVE TO GO to this work event with my husband because wives are supposed to go and even though it might be so dull I’ll want to gouge my eyes out with a plastic fork, I “have” to go?

I’ll be low vibe. I’ll be on my phone the whole time. I won’t be connecting with people. I’ll be lame, low energy Krista. I don’t want to show up as her.

So then I’ll check myself.

Is this a “have to” or “get to” situation?

If I genuinely cannot muster up a good vibe, maybe I’ll flex my boundary setting power and say you know what? I really don’t feel like doing this. Let’s invite some of these people over for a fun bbq another time, because If I go to this I’m going to make a bad impression and I don’t want to bring the vibe of the whole place down.

But if I can manage my own perspective and realize: these events are fun. There will be free childcare provided for the small humans, you GET TO drink elite cocktails and you GET TO wear one of your new dresses (a rare gift indeed, for 2020) and you GET TO go as a participant and not play hostess: no cooking, organising or cleaning, just enjoying. THAT’S NOT BAD.

Then what’s happened is I’ve shifted my entire vibe, I’m now excited to go and I actually end up making new friends (see what I did there - that last example was a true story.)